breaking into the picture

and then it hits me... the barrier. how this is just a pretty picture. my sense of detachment from it all... there's a difference between seeing and feeling. sight and experience. denise was on to something.

"man defines himself by his make-believe as well as by his sincere impulses." - albert camus, the myth of sisyphus

i walk away from the ledge and sit down on the rocks next to my camera. i take off my coat. my shoes. my socks. my shirts. i'm removing the layers, the barriers, that have kept me from feeling. from being. shedding clothes like skin. layer after layer. i unbuckle my pants. and pull them below my knees. the cold wind blows. freezing air travels up my spine. i feel it. it feels like home. my mind empties. i look down at my mostly naked body. then out to the world in front of me. and smile...

okay, let's go!

i set the camera.

10 seconds...
i run out to the ledge. still riggling free from my clothes.
9, 8...
i stumble over a pant leg. fuck!
7, 6...
pants are off!
5, 4...
struggling on the long johns!
3...
the light on the camera flashes quicker and quicker with the approaching exposure.
2...
i give up!

i spread my arms out as far as i can. and smile.

1...

as i break into the picture...