warning signs

around 3am, i was awakened by the sounds of my, presumably drunken, college roommate, stumbling into the bathroom (which shares a wall with my bedroom), heaving, and puking, numerous times, with remarkable consistency and repitition. i imagine this was due to a rather long, intoxicating night of post-final exam glee, which i imagine most of columbia, a college town, also took part in. needless to say, the staccato of vomit splashing against a toilet wall, is not a pleasant thing to wake up to in the middle of the night, or any time of night, or day, for that matter.

i groggily re-awoke, at about 9am, having pretty much made up my mind, i wasn't sticking around for another night of "celebrations." i packed up my last belongings, showered, and by early afternoon, i was out of the apartment for good, having left my house key, with a "friendly" goodbye note, on the kitchen counter. i, unfortunately, forgot to also leave behind my dirty long johns, hanging from my bedroom ceiling. for some reason, i took them down and threw them away, before i left. how could i have made such a stupid mistake?

i drove around town, to clear my head, and quickly came across this sign, that easily did the trick... "hmm, testicle festival..?"

wait, did that say, "testicle festival"?! i didn't get enough sleep. my eyes must be crossing, and mixing up the words. focus, jamie... focus... no, wait! that definitely says, "testicle festival"! holy fuck?! what the hell is that about?! well, i know what it's about, but what the hell is that about?!

what could this so-called "testicle festival" be? a celebration of male homosexuality? a marathon, or other such sporting event, whose proceeds go to curing various nut ailments and diseases? NO! through hours of exhaustive research, i've discovered - this article! explaining that the "testicle" referred to in "testicle festival," is that which formerly belonged to any vivacious bull or turkey, and has since been ripped off by the powerful, willful hand of man, then appropriately deep-fried, and served by the fistful to the masses, under the guise of, "mountain oysters."

*note to self - never order, or accept, mountain oysters from any place, or person. ever!*

*another note to self - i need to get the fuck out of missouri! these people are crazy! they eat bull and turkey testicles for fun! what could these animals possibly have done, to deserve getting their testicles ripped off and eaten?! what's going to happen if i piss off a local missourian?! are my nuts going to end up in their mouth?!*